1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,516 (Vacuum cleaner hums) 2 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,477 I'm 30 today. 3 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,151 My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present. 4 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,350 Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice. 5 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,631 I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of proust. 6 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,150 I love the work of Alain delon. 7 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,840 And that's, I think, what influenced her 8 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,632 into buying me hat fm. 9 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,910 I like the radio too. 10 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,679 It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present. 11 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:08,393 I have to make sure finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight. 12 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,999 Seven o'clock on the dot. 13 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,873 Six... six years in a row. Winners. 14 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,194 So er... you know... Finchy! 15 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,073 Brent. All right? 16 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,556 Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on. 17 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,112 What's black and slides down Nelson's column? Dunno. 18 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,599 Winnie mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good. 19 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:33,429 No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... yeah. 20 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,279 And she is black, and she's married. It's not even low. 21 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,958 Seven. Cheers. Bye. 22 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,909 What you doing in so early? Shit the bed? 23 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,271 No. I haven't done that for weeks. 24 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,870 No. My mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present. 25 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,638 - Happy Birthday. - Thank you. 26 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,034 What did she get you? 27 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,032 Something you can wear. 28 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,474 - The hat? - The hat, yes. Well done. 29 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,793 Hiya. All right? 30 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,956 - Happy Birthday. - Thank you very much. 31 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:24,914 Ta. 32 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,917 - Right. - Nice hat. 33 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,314 Thanks. 34 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,158 Um... good. That's all in order. 35 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,957 What's the difference between your wages and your penis? 36 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,753 I can find lots of women who will blow your wages. 37 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,598 - What's that? - I don't know. 38 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,392 Why does that happen? 39 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,395 Lock up your daughters, as they say. 40 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,317 Finch is on his way in for the quiz. 41 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,795 Chris Finch. Innit, gareth? 42 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,239 Yeah. 43 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:58,148 You'll only be able to use 20% of it when you get me and him together! 44 00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,998 Gareth, innit? 45 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:03,793 Hat. 46 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,832 - It's Tim's birthday. - Oh, yeah? 47 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,870 To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and finchy on the telly! 48 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,639 We're like morecambe and wise when we get together. 49 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,638 Not morecambe and wise, because there's no straight man, 50 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,318 there's no dead wood. 51 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:25,153 So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man. 52 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,633 I do gags as well. 53 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,399 I mean, good together... by now. 54 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,796 We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick. 55 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,674 We're just cracking up, and people watching go, "why is that funny?" 56 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,997 We tell them why and they go, "yeah. You are the best." 57 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,633 Their opinion. 58 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,599 - Happy Birthday. - Thank you. 59 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,358 - Which one is it? - It's 30. 60 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,994 The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it? 61 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,588 I know what you're thinking - "my youth's over." 62 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,510 When I was 30, like you, I was going, "I'm in a rubbish job." 63 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,518 "Nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?" 64 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,039 But, you know... 65 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,079 - Things do change. - Mmm. 66 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,909 And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin... 67 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,070 He's 32 and still lives with his parents. 68 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,191 - I live with my parents. - Cherish them. 69 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,629 You will miss them when they're not around. 70 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,199 Both um... Both of mine are dead. 71 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:19,714 Oh. 72 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,232 So er... Dad isn't dead. He's in a home. 73 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,473 So as good as. 74 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,636 Shot to bits. He was... oh, God. 75 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,991 Called out the other night - three A.M. by the nurses. 76 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,999 He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of debenhams. 77 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,712 Does that look into his room? 78 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,274 The back of the roof looks into his room, yeah. 79 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,315 Good spot. That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there. 80 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,216 And I had to go up to the room with him, and 81 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,839 go, "look, dad, there's no Japanese sniper." 82 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,349 - Who was up there? - No one was there. 83 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,869 It was his imagination. There was no one there. 84 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,479 Lucky. That's lucky. 85 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,955 If there was a sniper, you wouldn't see him. 86 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,356 You'd be like, "oh... oh... no one there." 87 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,389 Anyway, he is a vegetable now. 88 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,477 And that's something we've all got to look forward to. 89 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,639 Happy Birthday. 90 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:22,874 See you later. 91 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,634 Wotcher. 92 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,152 Get him over. 93 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,555 Tim? Got you a pressie. 94 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,352 - Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. - Happy Birthday, mate. 95 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,710 Thanks, Lee. You're a good man. 96 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,598 This is exciting. 97 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,918 This is big. Big and exciting. 98 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,877 It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. 99 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,355 - You can sit on that if you like. - Yes. 100 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,710 It's not just from me, it's from dawn too. 101 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,353 You haven't got one already? 102 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,755 Um, no. You can never have too many anyway. 103 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,836 And you do prefer it to the money? 104 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,713 Yes. I'd only have spent it on a huge inflatable cock. 105 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,398 That is... 106 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,795 Stop playing with it! Did you get him that? 107 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,036 Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that. 108 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,277 - Let's have a look. - Doing, doing! 109 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,038 Ex-sperminate! 110 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,832 Oh, no, no. 111 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,599 Hello, Austin powers. I'm the naked mini me. 112 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,679 I've got one. Thomas the tank engine rolled into town! 113 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,074 Dickhead. 114 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,589 Ringo starr. Whose line is it anyway? 115 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:39,070 Don't grab it unless you've got one ready. 116 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,952 Oh, that is brilliant. 117 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,192 - Happy Birthday. - Thank you. 118 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,073 Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel. 119 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,316 - I say that. - I heard you the other day. 120 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,115 I don't mind influencing a young comedian - you're not a comedian - 121 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,073 but I usually credit someone if I use their comedy. 122 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,078 - What ones of yours do I use? - Same shit, different day. 123 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,474 That's mine. 124 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,750 Ex-squeeze me, instead of excuse me. 125 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,997 - Oh, wank you very much. - Yeah. I invented that one. 126 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,759 Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much! 127 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,279 And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one. 128 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,790 If someone's unlucky, you go, "I'm not saying he's unlucky," 129 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,797 "but if he fell in a barrel full of tits," 130 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,434 "he'd come up sucking his own thumb." 131 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,710 Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs. 132 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,114 Do ya? 133 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,159 Got you! 134 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,358 They're cracking up. 135 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,554 Oh, God... 136 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,955 Yeah. There are limits to my comedy. 137 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,879 There are things I would never laugh at. 138 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,118 Um... The handicapped... 139 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,669 Because there's nothing funny about them. 140 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,389 Or any deformity. 141 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,276 Yeah? Um... 142 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,996 It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go, 143 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:01,079 "oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced." 144 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,474 Yeah? 145 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,876 Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. 146 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,190 Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. 147 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,550 So just give generously to all of them. 148 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,718 Guys? Don't forget to say Happy Birthday to Tim. 149 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,150 And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later. 150 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:23,759 Not tonight. 151 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,199 - Why? - Quiz. 152 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,039 Well, we can go out before. When does it start? 153 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,754 - Seven. Always. - Ok. Drinks at six. 154 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,838 - Did you get him a gift? - No. But it starts at seven. 155 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,428 I know. Well, ok. Drinks at six. 156 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,074 - Shall I get him a card from you? - Whatever. 157 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,714 Finch is coming down, so be ready at seven. 158 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,398 Drinks at six. 159 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,192 But starts at seven. 160 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:46,673 Drinks at six. 161 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,512 Studying? Quiz. 162 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,676 Are you a team again? 163 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,271 Just three of you, is it? 164 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,754 Yeah. 165 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,915 - Are you excited? - Looking forward to it. 166 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:05,792 It's not the first though. 167 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,037 I er... was on "blockbusters". 168 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,909 - What, on the telly? - Yeah. 169 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,719 Were you the two or by yourself? If there's two of you, it's cheating. 170 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,796 - Yeah. Just one. - Just one. 171 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,433 Did you win anything or...? 172 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,199 Yeah. Two gold runs. Camping equipment, walkman. 173 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,312 - I usually get five, to be honest. - Five gold runs? 174 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,113 But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...? 175 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,958 - Yeah, I do. - You'd get them all? 176 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,231 Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers. 177 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,351 Um... ok. 178 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:42,679 Right. Which y was... which y had a hit single with "the only way is up" 179 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,109 - and sang with plastic population? - Yazoo! 180 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,912 - Yazz. - Yup. 181 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,393 - You said yazoo. - I know. 182 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,954 What's your cut-off point? Yazz. 183 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,719 But you said yazoo first. You would have got it wrong. 184 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,116 - I wouldn't have said that. - You'd have been all right, then. 185 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,992 I'll give you one. 186 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,677 - Do you want a hand? - No, no. 187 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,759 - Are you getting it? - Yeah. It's a tiny bit loud. 188 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,154 Sorry. 189 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,838 Can I have it when you've finished? 190 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,837 - Yeah. - When will you be finished? 191 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,713 I don't know. Maybe we could share it. 192 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,594 - Ok. I'll just have it on weekends! - Ok. 193 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,188 - This is taking forever... - No, it was going to be what d, 194 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,959 and the answer was going to be dostoyevsky. 195 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,469 - I couldn't think of the question. - All right. 196 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,797 What d was a Russian dissident who wrote "crime and punishment"? 197 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,068 - Would you have got that? - I'd have had a guess. 198 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,077 You don't get prizes for guessing. 199 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,434 Unlucky. 200 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,834 See you later. 201 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,708 You can't come in here. Quiz officials only. 202 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,593 - What are you doing? - I'm doing the questions. 203 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,393 - Get out or I'll report you. - Are these the questions? 204 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,637 Do not look at those! Right. You're disqualified. 205 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,718 Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help. 206 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,434 - Not interested. - No. You can help. 207 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,232 No. I haven't got time to help. 208 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,999 - Right. It's about the army. - Go on, then, quick. 209 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,792 I was wondering 210 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:25,877 if a military man like you - a soldier - 211 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,595 could you give a man a lethal blow? 212 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,712 If I was forced to. I could if it was absolutely necessary. 213 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,911 If he was attacking me. 214 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,679 If he was coming really hard. 215 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,511 Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah. 216 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,237 And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke 217 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,635 or could you take a man from behind? 218 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,592 - Either way is easy. - Either way. 219 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,029 And so you could do a man from behind? 220 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,515 - Yeah. - Yeah. Lovely. 221 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:09,350 It's got an error - an offline error 324. 222 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,630 So I'm going to have to take the paper out. 223 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,833 That comes out. 224 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,279 - Hiya. - Hiya. 225 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,757 Do you know anything about these? It's got an offline 243 error. 226 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,553 - No... - I don't really know what that is. 227 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,309 You know we were talking earlier about dostoyevsky? 228 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,159 - Oh, yeah? - Fyodor mikhailovich dostoyevsky. 229 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,559 - Born 1821. Died 1881. - That's right. 230 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,956 Just interested in him being exiled in Siberia for four years. 231 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,629 Well, I don't know much about that. I didn't cover it, really. 232 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,435 All it is is that he was a member of a secret political party, 233 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,870 and they put him in a siberian labour camp for four years, 234 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,638 so... you know. 235 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,110 Hang on. I read about it in er... 236 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,518 He wrote "house of the dead". 237 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,598 I think he put all his memoirs in that. 238 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,159 Didn't he? 239 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,194 Yup. 240 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,159 Oh, well. 241 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,758 So... you've dug your foxhole, 242 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,632 and you've pitched your tent... 243 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,716 They've discovered your camp, 244 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,674 and you're lying there, they've caught you with your trousers down, 245 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,997 and they've all entered your hole without you knowing. 246 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,917 No, because I'd be ready for them. 247 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,190 You'd be lying there waiting for it? 248 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,517 Yeah. Well, no. It's more likely that I wouldn't be there 249 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,278 if I knew they knew where I was. 250 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,790 I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap. 251 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,754 - You'd be using your hole as bait? - Yeah. 252 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,430 You're 30, and you're getting off on pretending gareth's gay. 253 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,674 What?! 254 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,630 I think she's been on the waccy baccy! 255 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,071 Oh... what's that? 256 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,398 It's very complicated. Open that, put that in there, 257 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,909 put that down there, and you... 258 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,156 Hiya... push the green button. 259 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,352 Were we talking about dostoyevsky's "house of the dead"? 260 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,676 - Yeah. I think we mentioned it. - Which he wrote in 1862. 261 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,475 I was just going to say that it wasn't his first major work. 262 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,874 Wasn't it? 263 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,878 No. His first major work was "notes from the underground," 264 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,389 which he wrote in st Petersburg in 1859. 265 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:29,999 - Really? - Yup. Definitely. 266 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,476 Well, of course, my favourite is "the raw youth". 267 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,433 It's basically where dostoyevsky goes on to explain 268 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,553 how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need. 269 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,999 He does. 270 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,471 It ain't going to be a flashy wedding. 271 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,318 - Heaven forbid. - No. 272 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,749 It'll just be a registry office. Save money. 273 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,474 Then we'll move in with my mum for a few months. 274 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,874 - Save on rent. - Yeah. 275 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,070 Let dawn get a few kiddies under her belt. 276 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,919 Which'll be nice because my mum can look after them. 277 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,396 Then you'll probably get a part-time cleaning job or something. 278 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,556 Got to dream a dream. 279 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,074 What's that? 280 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,475 I was just laughing at what dawn said. 281 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,114 - As you're such a big high flyer. - No. 282 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,231 I was laughing at her joke, that's all. 283 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,033 When you get a life, you can take the Mickey out of ours. 284 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,118 - I'm not having a go. - No, it doesn't matter. 285 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,152 I don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. No worries. 286 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,271 - We've all had a coffee. - No worries. 287 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,037 Is it questions? 288 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,151 Is it an intro? What I'm saying is... 289 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,713 Oi! Finchy! 290 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,357 When's it due? 291 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,471 Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts. 292 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,433 - There's not one big enough! - All bought and paid for. 293 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,109 I'm not saying he's fat, but when he jumps in the air, he gets stuck. 294 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,199 I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent. 295 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,276 Jim carrey on acid! 296 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,233 You know what they say, there's none so queer as folk. 297 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,954 - Or David Brent. - Oh, speak to yourself... 298 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,469 Spit it out - as your boyfriend said last night! 299 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,478 - I was just going to say that. - I don't have a boyfriend. 300 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,431 - Can't get a word in edgeways! - A what? 301 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,755 - Ooh, matron! - You can have that one, lad. 302 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,999 Oh, that one always... Oh, God. 303 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,874 Finchy. 304 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,391 Come and check out the opposition. 305 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,271 - Ricky, this is Chris. - Hello, mate. 306 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,789 Chris Finch. I heard about "blockbusters". 307 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,469 You'll need more than that tonight. I heard about you and dostoyevsky. 308 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,070 I read a book a week, so a question like that won't catch me out. 309 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,158 - While you're down there, love...! - Close, but harmless. 310 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,158 Give me half hour with her, I'll be up to my nuts in guts. 311 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,919 Sorry. Exactly which books do you read every week? 312 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,157 Science... science and nature. 313 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,272 Everything on the trivia board. All those subjects. 314 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,719 In books. 315 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,991 This lot sound like they haven't read a book between them! 316 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,873 - College boys. - Bloody students. Waste of space. 317 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,868 "Oh, I don't do anything all day, but I need more money to do it." 318 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,274 Political. 319 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,868 Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so... 320 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,671 Yeah, right! And what was your job? 321 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,519 Professor in charge of watching "countdown" every day? 322 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,309 That's clever and funny. I bloody hate him. That's why we get on. 323 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,034 Similar. 324 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,672 (Microphone feedback) 325 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,436 Can I have everyone's attention, please? 326 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,439 Welcome to the seventh annual wernham hogg quiz night. 327 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:37,156 Current champions are this team here - the dead parrots. 328 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,032 - Fit enough to fly. - He sleeps. 329 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,436 If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up daisies! 330 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,314 Monty python. 331 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,748 - Question one. All right... - Hang on. 332 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,677 David, we haven't... 333 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,439 Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today. 334 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,596 He's 30 years young - as I always say. 335 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,472 (Applause) 336 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,117 So what better way to celebrate than a battle of wits? 337 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,559 Speech! 338 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:09,235 Ok. Question one... In the mid 1960s, 339 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,397 the U.S. army replaced all existing infantry guns 340 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:17,390 with the m-16 rifle, and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun? 341 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,478 - You what? - Write the answer if you know it. 342 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,394 Next. 343 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,115 We've been quiz champions for six years now. 344 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,959 We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly. 345 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,072 Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was, 346 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,351 what type of alien is mr Spock? 347 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,517 Everyone put vulcan, which is incorrect. 348 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:43,911 Mr Spock is half vulcan, half human, ok? 349 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,554 And gareth went, "oh, everyone gets one point," 350 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,750 but I said, "no, everyone does not!" 351 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,872 "Carpet munchers don't get a point, dr wankenstein doesn't." 352 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,195 "Steven Hawking's football boots don't. I do." 353 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,954 I had to go home to get a book to prove it. 354 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,959 They went, "oh, yeah, you're right. Well done. You've won. Sorry". 355 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,799 No apologies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz. 356 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,751 Remember. Learn. 357 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,118 Ok. Question two. 358 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,151 In the song "19" by Paul hardcastle, 359 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,239 he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam war was 19. 360 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,955 Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier 361 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,230 in the second world war. What was it? 362 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,635 Gareth, are all these going to be about war? 363 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,239 No. I got loads of... 364 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,557 I got one on tennis, one on the suez canal. Loads. 365 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,998 Ok. Question three. 366 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,590 Which canal links the mediterranean with the red sea? 367 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,309 Oh, I don't want to talk about mr Spock. That was sorted out then. 368 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,271 Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy. 369 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,868 The questions were solved. End of discussion. 370 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,877 All right? Don't rake up old graves. 371 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,916 I don't want to go through all that again - 372 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,873 whether he's a vulcan or a human or vice versa. 373 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,633 All I will say is what I said at the time. Ok? 374 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,318 Look at his ears. 375 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,630 How could you confuse Howard Jones with Nick kershaw? Shame on you. 376 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,355 - Nick kershaw's the little bloke... - Howard Jones has the... 377 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,551 That round's about old entertainment. 378 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,398 It's about old entertainment. 379 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,432 It's all about late '60s, early '70s. 380 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,474 - Which insect produces gossamer? - Sshh! Come on, man. 381 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,750 - Which insect produces gossamer? - What? 382 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,950 - I want you to answer, finchy! - What is it? 383 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,513 It's a spider. 384 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,995 A spider is an arachnid and not an insect. 385 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,076 - Ha, yes! - Six legs or eight legs. 386 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,316 - Thank you. Am I right? - Two out. 387 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,033 Shame on you. 388 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,149 Ha! Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs. 389 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,716 You just need to spend a few a terms at the university of life. 390 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,877 A spider is not an insect officially. 391 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,356 (Rick) We'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over. 392 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,269 People go, "why is it important, a question about mr Spock?" 393 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,518 I go, "it's like saying, I've got a new pedigree dog breed." 394 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,676 "It's half alsatian, half labrador". 395 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,475 I go to crufts, "can I enter this dog in the labrador section?" 396 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,717 "No." "Why?" "Because it's not a labrador." "Correct." 397 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,308 "Can I enter it in the alsatian section?" "No." 398 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,271 "Get that dog out of my sight." 399 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,868 "Thanks, I will. You've proved my point." 400 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:17,872 And that's crufts. 401 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,797 Who had a hit single with "don't speak"? 402 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,911 No doubt. I thought it might be no doubt. 403 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,395 Why did you say four non blondes, then? 404 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,590 I got hooty the blowfish, so let's move on. 405 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,756 East... east side. 406 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,554 Oi. 407 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,398 - I didn't know. - You do know. 408 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,999 Didn't know. 409 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,752 - Missed. - Did I? 410 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,440 I said no doubt. It's the first thing that came in. 411 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,630 Then you're putting this thing in my mind. 412 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,320 Poison with your bloody four non blondes. 413 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,431 - Eh? - Both good groups. 414 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,198 Just don't guess. 415 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,992 Think logical. Think. 416 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,156 There's no logic to music, it's art. 417 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,155 Is this the first time you've lost? 418 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,350 The right questions aren't coming up. 419 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,516 Isn't it supposed to be random? 420 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,438 Yeah. Randomly awful. 421 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,552 - I'll choose the questions. - Good quizmaster. 422 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,352 - Choose a topic. - Sport. 423 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,789 - What's the capital of Iceland? - Reykjavik. 424 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,151 - Is that still a sport? - All right. You. Capital of Borneo? 425 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,271 - I don't care. - See? It doesn't have one. 426 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,789 You didn't get any of those. (Mobile rings) 427 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,390 - And they were random, yeah. - It wasn't really random. 428 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,873 (David) Hello, doctor. 429 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,077 He's asking after me? 430 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,795 No. There's no way I can get away now. I'm snowed under at work. 431 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,148 Can't you give him something to help him sleep? 432 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,952 Ok. Yeah. 433 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,389 Ok. Thanks. Oh... 434 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,115 You don't know who sang "in the summertime" do you? 435 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,031 Mungo Jerry. Ok. Yup, yup. Cheers. 436 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,956 Ha ha! Very funny. Do you want to hear the results or not? 437 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,953 Ok. In position number four, universally challenged. 438 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,151 Third place goes to... 439 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,713 Malcolm and Dennis! 440 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,271 Er, which means that... well... 441 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:37,233 It's a dead heat between the dead parrots and the tits. 442 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,516 So tie-breaker situation. 443 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,837 Send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker. 444 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,914 All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready? 445 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,759 First person to shout out the correct answer wins. 446 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,472 All right? So, if you're ready. 447 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,479 Which Shakespeare play features a character called caliban? 448 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,591 - "MacBeth." - No. Ricky? 449 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,632 - "Midsummer night's dream." "Hamlet." - You've had your go. 450 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,454 You said the first person to shout the answer. 451 00:24:04,478 --> 00:24:06,196 You didn't say you only had one chance. 452 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,515 - "The tempest." - "The tempest." He's got it! 453 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,950 There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners. 454 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,513 That's blockbusters! 455 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,756 You didn't say you only had one go. 456 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,758 You said the first person to shout out the answer wins. 457 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,871 First person. That's my point. 458 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,593 Here he is. Chris Finch. Or is it Hamlet? Is it MacBeth? 459 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,315 I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard. 460 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,078 - Banter. - No, it's not banter. 461 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,919 - Not now. - Ok. When we had the question, 462 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,191 name the Cuban leader who's been in power since 1959... 463 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,993 - Fidel Castro. - You know it now. What did you say? 464 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,590 - It's in that situation... - Tell them. What did you say then? 465 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,517 What did you say then? Go on. 466 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,593 Who's the Cuban leader? 467 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,114 Fray bentos. 468 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,710 No wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of space. 469 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,990 Don't get at him just 'cause they beat you. 470 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,872 - They beat me? - Yes. 471 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,195 I could list 50 things I could beat them at. 472 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,151 - Like what? - Throwing. 473 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,157 Throwing. No. That's good. 474 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,794 The landlord of the lamb pub in chichester 475 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,390 challenges me to throw one of these copper kettles over his pub. 476 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,193 So I take off my tie, tie it to the handle... 477 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,434 Did it go over? 478 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,755 Obviously. That's actually an official territorial army method 479 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,509 if you're in the jungle, except you'd use vines from the trees. 480 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,791 - Or a kettle? - No, the equivalent. Coconut. 481 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,673 I will throw anything you choose over this building. 482 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,995 - If I do it, we win the quiz. - New challenge. 483 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,031 - Double or quits. - It's a challenge. 484 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,958 So if he can throw it over, we've won the champagne, 485 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,913 - and that was the real quiz. - Choose one thing. 486 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,793 You really are a couple of sad little men. 487 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,559 He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done? 488 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,671 Do you want a challenge or not? 489 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,109 If I do it, we win the quiz and the prize. 490 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,912 That's the real quiz. 491 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,632 Choose something. 492 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,957 - A chair? - No, not a chair. 493 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,991 - Throw gareth over. - No, seriously... 494 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,350 How about birthday boy? Throw him over. 495 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,391 - Throw his shoes over. - His shoes. 496 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,511 No, no! 497 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,711 It's just a challenge. 498 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,876 Tickle him! Tickle him! 499 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,074 Oi! 500 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,992 - Using the tie method? - Oh, no. The shoelaces. 501 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,953 - He's using the laces. - Bastard! I knew he would! 502 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:50,354 That'll work! 503 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:51,834 So, Finch... 504 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,752 - Thank you very much... - You'll get it back. 505 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,032 How are we going to know if it goes over? 506 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,151 Go and check. Sussed. Go on. 507 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,351 Right. Here we go. 508 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,717 Two... and three... and four... 509 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,874 - Hooray! - Oh, yes! 510 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,559 Looking good. 511 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,796 - Come on now. - Did it go over? 512 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,388 - Did it go over? - Yeah. It came right past me. 513 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,754 The wonder horse! 514 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,632 Screw "blockbusters"! 515 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,149 Screw Bob holness and screw your gold run. 516 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,350 - I'm a loser. - You're shit, you're shit! 517 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,436 - That's the boss. - Yes, I am the boss. 518 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,074 Like Springsteen. Born to run. The slough branch. 519 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,873 Your university education didn't help you there. 520 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,594 Let that be a lesson to you. Respect your elders 521 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,631 and do not fuck with the big boys. 522 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,512 - Life! Life! - Chuck his hat over. 523 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,631 No, don't! It's a radio as well. 524 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:52,872 What an office. What an office! 525 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,553 - Do you want any...? - Come on. See you, Tim. 526 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,758 See you later. 527 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,668 528 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,718 529 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,635 530 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:34,550 so you could buy 531 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:51,158 532 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:57,356 you just blow them all away 533 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,190 534 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:04,871 so you could buy.